Lately, it seems that every action, every interaction I have is tainted with the feeling of tiredness. Even this post; written through a haze or a fog that seems to have installed itself into my being. As a result, the cogs that should be working together to help me function, have to try harder to just see each other. And, at once, I feel the grinding effect of working, of trying. Anything is a huge effort, even waking up, even resting. Everything has been taken and tarnished.
I have been told by psychologists a psychiatrist, a couple of GPs and friends, to not lose sight of my end goal, my plans” to help me wade through the depression and the symptoms of BPD. Have value, keep going essentially. None of them can prepare you for the fatigue…
Day in and day out the only thing I am hyperaware of is my fatigue. I don’t sleep well; result: Fatigue. I dream a lot; result: Fatigue. I work; result: Fatigue. I study; result: Fatigue. I don’t know anymore where it begins and where it can end. I look ahead to my future, the reasons I have that should make the daily struggle worth it, and all I see is how tired I am now, how tired I will be tomorrow, and how high the energy cost of simply existing is. Which by itself, makes me more tired. The thought of looking in past, to talk to the professionals about, so that it may help me accept my past, live with my now just to obtain my future, makes me tired. In every direction, there it is. Taking any side tracks to do what I want and not what I have to do – I see tiredness.
Tiredness is all of me and all around me. I feel like I have been dropped to the floor a thousand and one times in quick succession; so the thought of getting back up one more time is too hard to bear. The thought of staying down – also too hard to bear. I find myself in the classic struggle between moving and staying still, and I am far too tired for the fight that is required for both actions.
It costs too much to feel anything, to feel nothing, to be alone and to be with people, to act and to stay still. It all costs too much, and I am too tired. I am desperate for a little respite, I don’t ask for much, and I am too tired. I am simply too tired for tired.