It is this time of night which I most fear. The silence surrounds me, and any semblance of control that I had has gone. Slipped away with those I cherish the most. Everything I have thought today, and in days past, grows louder and clearer – like a reverse echo: Hate indiscriminately.
Hate of my family and my surroundings because of how trapped they make me feel. So completely entrenched in this hole that I jumped into last year. So firmly stuck. Hate that every single time I take notice of where I am my skin screams at me, tries to jump off of me, my organs clench so tightly and my mind feels as if the nail that has been hammered into the coffin it seems to have become keeps getting moved. Hate at myself, for jumping in while sorely underestimating the situation I could get into. Hate that there are two sides of me; one choosing to scrape by with this emotional pain, and the other so adamant that death is my only way forward – hate that they are both so certain in their life choice for me but neither is winning. Hate that there is a constant war of thought in my mind, that I trust nothing now. Hate that all of this affects the people I cherish, because I change. I hate that I change and that some days they aren’t enough to bring me back. That it shows. That I feel so separate that it hurts me, and may hurt them. I hate myself. I hate today.
It would seem that depression can keep you in a constant state of inertia, makes you watch as time goes by, dreams and chances go by, until you lose sight of it all. And, I hate it. I am on my proverbial knees left to just hating it but unable to do anything with it or about it.
I am angry at myself, and I could self destruct, and I could feel the waves of anger adding and provoking that destruction. And I continue to hate.
Hate. Indiscriminate hate.