Hello Friend – Entry 3

Hello friend. It has been a long while since I have written, I know, but these words...these words get stuck when I try to convey them. Or, they just disappear. I know, and beyond knowing it, I feel how unimportant, how insignificant they have become.  These words; formulated and written down in the vain hope …

Hello Friend: Entry 2

Hello friend. I'm still not letting you in and I wonder if you notice or not.  Are the words I have been using, satisfying the questions you ask?  Are my actions just as reassuring?  I want to know if this mask convinces you.  Maybe, if it does, if you can accept it, if it is enough …

Hello Friend: Entry 1

Hello friend. I tried, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you about my day.  I am sorry.  You should know that my voice gets caught in my chest somehow.  All I want to do is tell you everything.  All I want to do is to save you from me.  I am in pain.  I keep …

In my head

Have you ever just been sitting in a room, maybe alone or with people who claim to love you and you them, and you just feel the air disappear?  You know you're breathing but there has been a palpable shift in something; in pressure or density, that it just feels like the air has gone.  …

Conflict irresolution

Today, the words come slowly and with physical effort as I fade in and out of concentration.  I know that it has been some time since I last posted.  The days went by and time passed, carrying me on in its endless current while I tried to keep my head above water.  This motion of days …

Now, it is gone

What manages to chip away at me a thousand times over is not the pool of misery I seem to wade through on a daily basis; a pool that consists of every self-hating, self-diminishing and self-effacing thought that I have ever had in my life.  No, what kills me is that I dreamed big.  I took into …

My frustration

It is amazing how numb one can feel when thrust into an environment one doesn't even consider as an actual environment; as part of nature - devoid of its own ecosysytem.  A place where time and substance don't equate to anything.  Then, you step out into surroundings that seem to breathe life itself into you. …

Each minute, you think it can’t get worse.

It all starts with hope... This is a lengthy post and I thank you for your patience in reading it.

20/12/16 (Trigger Warning)

PLEASE BE WARNED BEFORE READING. This blog post is my personal experience or battle with suicidal ideation and action/inaction. My story. Please read with care and an open mind.

Isolation at Night – Free Writing

It is this time of night which I most fear. The silence surrounds me, and any semblance of control that I had has gone. Slipped away with those I cherish the most. Everything I have thought today, and in days past, grows louder and clearer - like a reverse echo: Hate indiscriminately. Hate of my …