Hello Friend: Entry 2

Hello friend. I'm still not letting you in and I wonder if you notice or not.  Are the words I have been using, satisfying the questions you ask?  Are my actions just as reassuring?  I want to know if this mask convinces you.  Maybe, if it does, if you can accept it, if it is enough …

Hello Friend: Entry 1

Hello friend. I tried, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you about my day.  I am sorry.  You should know that my voice gets caught in my chest somehow.  All I want to do is tell you everything.  All I want to do is to save you from me.  I am in pain.  I keep …

In my head

Have you ever just been sitting in a room, maybe alone or with people who claim to love you and you them, and you just feel the air disappear?  You know you're breathing but there has been a palpable shift in something; in pressure or density, that it just feels like the air has gone.  …

Conflict irresolution

Today, the words come slowly and with physical effort as I fade in and out of concentration.  I know that it has been some time since I last posted.  The days went by and time passed, carrying me on in its endless current while I tried to keep my head above water.  This motion of days …

Now, it is gone

What manages to chip away at me a thousand times over is not the pool of misery I seem to wade through on a daily basis; a pool that consists of every self-hating, self-diminishing and self-effacing thought that I have ever had in my life.  No, what kills me is that I dreamed big.  I took into …

My frustration

It is amazing how numb one can feel when thrust into an environment one doesn't even consider as an actual environment; as part of nature - devoid of its own ecosysytem.  A place where time and substance don't equate to anything.  Then, you step out into surroundings that seem to breathe life itself into you. …

Each minute, you think it can’t get worse.

It all starts with hope... This is a lengthy post and I thank you for your patience in reading it.

20/12/16 (Trigger Warning)

PLEASE BE WARNED BEFORE READING. This blog post is my personal experience or battle with suicidal ideation and action/inaction. My story. Please read with care and an open mind.

Isolation at Night – Free Writing

It is this time of night which I most fear. The silence surrounds me, and any semblance of control that I had has gone. Slipped away with those I cherish the most. Everything I have thought today, and in days past, grows louder and clearer - like a reverse echo: Hate indiscriminately. Hate of my …

Once – Part I

Once, I was a person.  I must have been.  I had dreams, and I wanted them with a fierce desperation.  To achieve through my hard labour, to succeed on my own merits, to thrive in my surroundings and inspire others to do the same.  My end goal was to be a good person.  A person who …